I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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