What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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