Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
