if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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