TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
The air was thick with penises
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
