True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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