so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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