Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Randomize
