There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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