A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
