Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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