Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
