There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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