Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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