Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
