wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
