i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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