The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
