So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
