To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
