Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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