It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
