She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
