You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
