im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
