Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
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In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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