I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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