i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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