I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
