My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
