a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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