kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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