In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
