So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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