I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
