the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
