Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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