I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize