dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
