no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
