omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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