i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
