i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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