Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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