know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
