I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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