We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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