Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
