I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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