Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
