God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
