the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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