After last night, I could never be a politician.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
