His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
