Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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