Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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