I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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