I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
