Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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