My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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