At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
