So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
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gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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